Things I'll Never Say
by isis-sg1
Summary: If only they could say it out loud.JD just a little bit fluffy


For someone who said it was a one-time thing I seem to be writing a lot of west wing fan fiction. I don't own the show or any of its characters and this is purely fiction.  
It takes place sometime during season 6 during the campaign. Hope you like it, sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes and please review, thanks.

I miss you. I know that you're staying at the same hotel as me and now you are standing across the room but you'll never now how much I miss you Donna. I miss the banter that brightened up my stressful days and I miss the way you wouldn't ever bring me coffee or bow down to me like some assistants do to their bosses. I will always miss you as an assistant, we both know we worked amazing together and I'll never know you how you always knew what I needed. My new assistant kept bringing me the wrong files. But you are more than an assistant to me. You were also my best friend and I could tell you anything. I confided everything about Joanie and it was you who I turned to if I had a PTSD attack. It's not so easy to talk now.

It's not the same as it was and I don't know whether it will ever be again. When I saw that temp sitting in your place and you'd finally left me I was heartbroken.I blamed myself.  
I was the one who stopped you from better and higher things, I was the one who sent you to Gaza and then I was the one who drive you away. You're smiling now and I love it. The way it always reached your eyes but you're not smiling at me you are smiling at something will has said. Will you ever smile at me again? I miss that too.

Things are so weird between us now. You are working for the opposition and I don't seem to have the courage to confront you. Every time I stand outside your hotel room and I raise my hand ready to knock but I back out at the last minute.

You're wearing the red dress.  
The one you bought five years ago for a date. It looks so beautiful on you. I told you, you should keep it and in that moment I knew that I had fallen for you. I let my guard down and let you see through my eyes. I threw away that sarcastic, egomaniac persona. Maybe if I had done that more often you would have noticed. Maybe I shouldn't have thrust Amy into your face. I know you're looking at me so I'll turn away. You don't feel the same way as I do and I don't want get hurt.

I've felt hurt.  
I've lost a sister and a father and I've nearly died myself but none of that compares to the hurt I feel when you like right through me, when you walk past me as if I'm a stranger. When I first heard about Gaza I was beside myself. I don't know how I would have carried on living without you. I know it sounds corny by you make my life worth living

I'm so proud of you.  
You've shown everyone how utterly capable you are. How you don't need a stupid degree to tell you that you are clever. You are going to surpass me one day and I'll be looking to you for help. I hope I helped you in some small way. I know you've helped me in a thousand different ways. I don't think I'd still be doing this if it weren't for you.

I suppose that when this is all over we'll have to say goodbye. I'll miss you even more then cos at least now I can see your face, smell your perfume as you walk past me or hear you laugh.

I don't think I can live without you. You don't know how much I love you.

* * *

I miss you. I know that you're staying at the same hotel as me and now you are standing across the room but you'll never now how much I miss you Josh. I miss the banter even though you were always busy. You would always give me time. I miss the way you would bring me up a muffin from the dining room if you knew I hadn't eaten. I miss the respect you always gave me even though I was only an assistant.

It's not the same now and I don't know whether it will ever be again. I tried to say goodbye but you were just too busy. Either that or you just wouldn't listen. I know you didn't want me to go. I know you blamed yourself for me leaving. You have to understand that I did this for me. The explosion in Gaza wasn't your fault and I know you only pushed me away to protect me.

I have to smile now. Will said something funny but I wasn't listening. I hope he doesn't notice. I do notice, however, that you are watching me. There's something in your eyes that I just don't recognize. Is it longing? I haven't seen you smile in ages. Even when you win the next round in the Russell vs. Santos war you never smile. I miss those dimples. The cheeky ones where you know you've done something wrong or when you've just kicked the crap out of a republican.

Things are so weird between us now. You are working for the opposition and I don't seem to have the courage to confront you. When I see you around I stop myself from going up to you and demanding we talk. I know you've tried. I watch through my hotel room door as you prepare yourself to knock on the door. You back out at the last moment and when you walk back down the hall I want to pull open the door and run after you.

I'm wearing the red dress.  
The one I know you like. You don't know that I'm wearing it especially for you. I remember that night when you told me I should keep it. You gave me this look that sent shivers down me. You let me see how you really feel about me. You showed me the real you, the one hidden by the bravado image you keep up. I tried to show you how I felt back but I don't think you saw it. Maybe if I had done that more often you would have noticed. Maybe I shouldn't have thrust Jack Reese in your face. He was just a distraction. I can't help myself; I have to look at you again. You've turned away. You can't even look me in the eyes anymore and it's obvious that you don't feel the same way as I do. I always thought you looked handsome in a tux. I wonder who tied your bow tie?

I've felt hurt.  
I nearly died in Gaza. I remember so vividly the night you were shot. I just couldn't understand what Toby was telling me. You could have died that night. I've felt so much hurt that I don't want to be hurt again, I've been treated badly my men and I know that the men I date just take advantage of me but you've never done that.

I know you're proud of me.  
I'm proud of you too. You've doing it again. Proving to everyone how brilliant a politician you are. I could never be like you. I hope you know how much you've helped me these past months. Little parts of politics I would be nowhere without. Even though I complained at the time I wouldn't be doing this today if it weren't for you. I hope you can see that I can do things on my own.

I don't want to say goodbye when this is all over. I'll miss you even more when I can't hear you voice everyday or see you standing over a desk, sleeves rolled up, hair all mussed and a cold coffee in one hand. That's how I'll always remember you.

I don't think I can live without you. You don't know how much I love you.


End file.
